Overwhelming.

The key word.

I went to bed a couple of nights ago and, lying in the dark in silence, I was totally overcome with the most intense feeling of being completely and utterly overwhelmed. In that moment, it hit me that this is real. My mother has cancer. The physical sensations were bizarre; almost like I could feel something gripping around my throat and heart at the same time, literally choking the life out of me.

I woke up the next morning and it was gone. Once again, my mind refusing to play ball with reality. In a way, it's a blessing. A breakdown would be inevitable if my head were able to wrap itself around this constantly. But, on the other hand, it makes moments like that night in bed far more intense than it would have been. Like I'm feeling a months worth of emotions in a minute.

She speaks to people about her cancer in the presence of me and it's like she's telling someone elses story. Like she's talking about a film or TV show we watched the night before.

Sometimes, when she's asleep on the sofa, I'll look at her and repeat in my head "she has cancer. She has cancer." But still, my mind just won't accept it.

But then I find myself choking back tears randomly. Like a song with sad undertones will come on the radio in the car and the lump in my throat becomes a choking hazard. Or I could just be sitting on the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle and oh, there it is again.

Sigh. There have been a few tears since I last updated but a few happy moments, too. Like Hampden for the semi-final on Saturday!






But anyway... less about me and more about my mother; she is who this is about.

Her PET scan was normal. Clear. The relief was huge. The cancer is in her lung and her lung alone.

The next step is meeting with the surgeon. First, she'll get a camera through a small cut below her throat to have a nose about behind her breast bone. If there are no loose cells, she will go into surgery and at least one third - and maybe the lot - of her lung will be removed.

If there are cells, it will be chemo and radiation and hoping for the best.

That last thing floored me (oh look, back to me again... sorry).

As I mentioned before, my mum's friend Caroline has exactly the same and has just finished the 3 months treatment because they found cells. Well, everyone was under the impression that the 3 months treatment was to try and get rid of them so they can operate.... Well, apparently not. Because of those loose cells, the surgeon will not open her up. At all. Even if the cells are gone. Now, she has nothing but more chemo and radiation and pray that it works.

It completely and utterly floored me. Before, I was scared they would find cells.

Now? I'm terrified.